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Blog

I Have Questions

Amber

I'm in the between. The place where things are unsettled and confused and I've been unplugged from one thing but not yet plugged into the next thing. I left my apartment in LA last month, but I haven't yet decided where or how I want to settle again. I have space to travel but I haven't yet figured out how to go. I'm trying to be easier in the uncertainty of my life, while wondering if I'm not doing enough.

That's a lot of deciding and figuring and trying and wondering. Every time these dreaded -ings pop up in my brain space, I focus on what better -ings I should insert into my life. Trusting. Surrendering. Being. Especially being okay in the limbo. Taking a deep breath when my brain starts thrashing like a landed sturgeon at the idea of trusting and surrendering rather than struggling and striving. I don't know what Puritan strain has convinced me that laboring for every small thing is virtuous, but it's exhausting.

MY BRAIN IS EXHAUSTING. STOP IT, BRAIN. TAKE A NAP.

How do you create what you want without fretting about it? How do you take the action you need to take from a place that feels good rather than a place that feels panicked? How do you stop resisting and start flowing? How do you loosen your grip on the things you want so that they have a chance in hell of getting to you?

I hope you're not waiting for me to have the answers to these questions, because I really don't. All I have is another moment to do another thing and hope that it all takes me where I need to be.

In the mean time, I climb for three hours to look at this:

photo

It's not a bad place to be for awhile.