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Blog

Time's Construct Eludes Me Yet Again

Amber

Red leaves are already hurling themselves onto the ground. Jeans roll down, boots climb up, scarves wrap around, and the holly of Christmas steamrolls the more sedate turkeys of Thanksgiving. I feel like I missed autumn entirely. The past month has been weird. Did anyone else feel that? Does anyone else feel both unmoored and stuck, overwhelmed and leisurely, progressing while also completely halted? I'm jumpy because I drink too much caffeine and I'm angry because my brain has been bashing itself against the inside of my skull like a hamster enraged at the devious confinement of its clear plastic ball. The amount of self-judgment I've applied topically could set a city block on fire. I've felt stuck in my crappy story, powerless to rewrite it, unable to edit it and annoyed because those are two things I'm supposed to be good at.

Yes, if you want joy, create it. If you want love, give it. If you want magic, kidnap a wizard. But sometimes you just can't get there. Sometimes you have to let your crappy story be your crappy story for awhile. And that's okay.

Sometimes you just have to take a breath and do what you can do. Run your miles, eat the hash browns, write the things. It's so easy to fall into the habit of requiring each part of your life to be useful and perfect. But I am messy and imperfect and I don't have an editorial calendar but I do have new running shoes and a bad attitude.

New running shoes and a bad attitude can take you far.

Training for my first marathon began last week. I wish everything in life was as straightforward as running a race. You have a training plan and you know that as long as you lace up your shoes and put in the miles, you can run the set distance at the set time. Life really is that simple. But my other plans are more susceptible to the power of my self-sabotage.

I want to be amazed. I want to be bowled over by joy. I want to be reminded that magic is a thing people can see. But for now I'll run and write and breathe and remember that life doesn't have to look perfect to be perfect.

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This is my attempt at National Blog Posting Month. Yes, the month started fourteen days ago, but I'm late for everything and the month of November is no different. I feel a deep desire for structure right now and I hope the simplicity of writing and posting everyday will shake some things loose.