When humans aren’t supported, we start to flounder. Even crumble. Sometimes disintegrate. This is zero fun and nobody likes it.
After three years - four years? what is time - of running my own business doing channeling and energy healing, I burned out. Hard.
Clients disappeared, money disappeared, relationships disappeared - everything went up in a puff of smoke so dramatic it was definitely divine intervention.
Which makes me think divine intervention read the map upside down, started walking in the opposite direction, and is now too embarrassed to admit it was wrong.
When I feel supported, I can do all sorts of intense things, no problem. Send energy wheeling around the globe, pour my heart onto the page, wrangle taxes and every other not-fun piece of running your own business, send my book into the black hole of the publishing world, deal with people who are mean or dismissive of what I do.
When money is flowing in and even collecting in nice little buckets, I’m good.
When I'm in a healthy, loving relationship, I’m good.
When I have both money and love - well. That’s when I do my best work and feel so excited about everything and probably get super annoying.
When I have neither, I start to crack around the edges.
(Yes, there’s a lot in the spiritual world about going inward and knowing you already have everything you need and that is very true. What is also very true is that we are all human with a deep need to be supported by factions outside of ourselves. We're allowed to have both.)
Floundering began mid-December. Cracking began at the end of the year. Complete unraveling happened about a week ago.
How Working With Guides Looks In Real Life
Me: I’m about to lose my house.
Guides: You aren’t going to lose your house, please stop worrying.
Me: [continues worrying herself into a mental breakdown but tries not to]
Me: I don’t know what to do.
Guides: Stop. Stop working. Stop fretting.
Me: That sounds like a bad idea and one that’s going to make me lose my house.
Guides, whispering amongst themselves: Can we just put her to sleep? Or do we need to give her the flu so she’ll settle down?
Me: [gets the flu]
I didn’t lose my house, but - yes - I did get the flu. First bout in years. And I’m still on the hook for a longterm solution to that whole need for housing and money and love and support thing.
So I have to look at how I can be kind to myself in the most practical of ways.
How can I do the work I’m here to do without opening up a vein, letting the world take a few pints, and then finding out I won’t be given any orange juice or cookies?
How can I do what I’m best at and still feel supported?
Maybe it means putting very firm boundaries around what I need to do my healing / channeling work and not doing it if those needs aren’t met.
Maybe it means writing more.
Maybe it means getting my first real job in a decade, a job with paid time off, benefits, and free snacks.
Maybe it means moving out of California.
Maybe it means marrying someone rich, as per my mom’s suggestion, which was once a joke and now sounds like less of one.
Maybe it’s something I can’t fathom at this particular moment in time.
I have no idea how it looks or feels to allow myself to be truly, deeply supported. But I know it needs to happen or I’m done.
So I’m trying to show up as best I can through the fear and anxiety - feeling it as sensation in my torso rather than whirling terror up in my brain cave.
I’m doing my best to stop thinking, stop trying to figure it out. I’m doing my best to show up without forcing. Allowing without attachment. Being here in this moment and trusting that I will move through it into a beautiful outcome, one where I love life again.
Asking how I can do what I’m here to do in a way that is deeply kind to myself, rather than everyone else. Yes, be kind to others, but only from a place of “Hey, I’m all good. So now I can offer you something with love and without keeling over."
Because I can’t help anyone if my veins have run dry and I’m on the ground.
So I say, Show me. Show me, show me, show me. Show me how. Show me what. Please make it clear, please make it easy, please make it supportive. I will show up however I’m guided, however it occurs to me, please send me what I need, please send me what will support me deeply and help me feel like, yes, this is something I can do. This is a life I want to live.”
Guides: Finally. Jesus. Okay, throw her a bone. Let’s see… how about no jury duty this week.
Me: [cries with relief]
I don’t know what my road forward looks like, but I hope it’s this pretty.