I’m job-hunting for the first time in nine years.
I'm terrified that it means I've failed, I'm terrified I won't be able to get the kind of job I need, I'm terrified it will drain me and I won't have any time or energy left over for my real work, I'm terrified I'll still be in survival mode - only with less time for naps. I'm terrified that I'm going backward not forward.
I’m pretty awesome ("yes, I am" she whispers to herself), but my awesomeness doesn't translate via resume or workplace accomplishments. What I've done with my life may not parse for HR personnel on the other side of the desk.
We all want to feel like our lives have purpose, and meaning. We all want to feel supported. But sometimes you have to allow that purpose and support to look differently than you thought or hoped it would.
What’s been coming through is that my intuitive and healing abilities are getting ready to deepen, gifts I didn't even know I had will begin presenting themselves (cool!), but in order to fully allow that, I need to calm the money anxiety that's running through my system all day every day. So, for the first time in almost a decade, I'm looking for a real job. My dearest hope is that it will feel fully supportive of my life and my work.
I was talking with my coach earlier today and she said, "I don’t know why you aren’t getting clients or getting your writing published - you’re talented, you're magnetic, you’re awesome at what you do, you’re literate, you present yourself well. Where's the disconnect?"
In other words, why do you have every advantage and it still hasn't worked?
To be fair, I am sensitive and easily triggered and she said a lot of nice things, but all I heard was "You have failed."
Nothing will trigger a person like putting yourself up on a platter in hopes of landing purpose and support. Like, “Here. Assess my value in the world. While we’re at it, let’s attach my ability to eat food and not be homeless to your answer. Great, thanks. GOOD TALK.”
This is how it feels to my human self.
To the bigger part of me, the wiser part of me, the part of me that’s more connected to the ultimate reality, rather than earth reality, I know that’s utter bullshit.
Value is not defined by best sellers published, fancy talks given, huge results laid out in perfectly calculated numbers, impressive job titles inscribed on business cards. Worth is not measured the way the world really enjoys measuring it. Not really.
But to step out of this story feels dangerous. It feels unstable and unsafe. Because it’s what we’ve been told all our lives. It’s what everyone around us does, or appears to do. Our connection to the tribe and the collective gets rattled when we step outside the general framework. When we look at the matrix of human reality and say, “Wait, I don’t think it has to be that way” our lizard brain goes apeshit. So we have to step into our higher selves, our wiser selves and make our own rules - and, yes, we can do that any time we please.
I’m stepping out of my human drama and bullshit and allowing myself to know that what I want is possible. I can serve people using my gifts. I can be fully and beautifully supported in that. And it doesn’t have to look the way I thought it did. It can look like a job that supports me and my work in the world.
If you're feeling challenged this week too, know you are not alone. So many of us are smashing headfirst into our stuff, into our dramas and triggers. But we can step out of the brain-hamster manure any time we want.
Where can you step out of your human story and into what your wiser self knows to be true?
Because you are bigger than you know and you are more valuable than this world can measure.
Lots of love,
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