Climbing Off the Struggle Bus

This morning I was crying in bed, something that happens a lot, which could mean many things, but I like to think it means I’m listening to my therapist when he said “You need to cry every day.” He later added, “You need to be with a man who lets you cry on his shoulder,” which seems reasonable and I try to keep that in mind whenever the To Be With Or Not To Be With question presents itself.

So I was following my therapist’s wellness advice this morning and crying in bed on my boyfriend’s shoulder because I felt so overwhelmed.

Our two cats had long since vacated the premises (because I sneezed which, at this point in our collective history, means I’m either going to die or infect the world with coronavirus so I guess we can forgive the cats for fleeing), so it was just me, my tears, my boyfriend, his shoulder, and the posed question:

“What’s below the tears, overwhelm, and worry?”

After a lot of talk about money and work, and do we mean enough money to buy an island or enough to not worry about bills or food and also maybe get a massage every so often? (I seemed to come down on the side of the island and he came down on the side of Less Worry), I finally got to a nice tangled knot that needed unraveling.

Turns out, my ego and identity are based on struggle.

If I’m not struggling, I won’t exist.

All the things that make me a worthy human, all the things that make me me, require sacrifice and struggle. Writing, helping, making enough money to live where I want to live and do what I want to do - my brain has made it all very hard. Practically impossible. Certainly not going to happen any time soon. Which means that I am not me because I am struggling, but I can’t be me without the struggle.

If that doesn’t make any sense, don’t worry. Screwy belief systems rarely make sense in the bright light of day. What seems so pressing and real when it’s suppressed suddenly seems ridiculous when it becomes conscious.

So let’s just let the main point sink in for a moment: If I’m not struggling, I won’t exist.

Yes, that right there is belief system designed to result in a crappy life tied up in a bow.

It was kind of a lot for a Tuesday morning before coffee.

So I made coffee and climbed back in bed with my notebook and made a bunch of lists, which is the appropriate response to profound epiphanies like YOU WILL BE A SHELL OF A HUMAN UNLESS YOU ARE SUFFERING ALWAYS.

Ultimately, I decided that I need to treat my ego and her need to make us both miserable so that she can stay alive like a friend. A misguided friend, but one who has your best interests at heart even if she calls your boyfriend to break up with him for you and then calls your boss demanding to be fired. She meant well, she just wanted to save you pain, but she went about it in an ill-conceived manner.

Me and my ego sat at the beach for awhile (the beach in my head, not a real beach, because real beaches are closed right now so humanity can stay alive?) and we came to a new understanding. She can insist that suffering is vital and necessary and I can remind her that there are other options and maybe we can find them together.

She seems to like that. There’s a lot in the spiritual community about transcending your ego and wrestling it to the ground or eradicating it completely, but that seems to be missing the point. Your ego is just another part of you. You don’t have to let her run the show (stop it, Amber), but letting her speak her piece and then reminding her that there are other ways, ways that will make everyone happier, allows a wholeness and a gentleness that we all need right now.

When Things Feel Better and It's Confusing

My anxiety has dissolved like a sugar cube in hot tea this week.⠀

My experience of peace has dialed way up. If I drop into something that doesn't feel good, I bob right back out again. Almost effortlessly. In the past, where the past was a week ago, if I got knocked out of my feeling-good place, I would have to work damn hard to regain it.⠀

It's like everything I've been practicing and working for has finally clicked into place - like all the power tools I've been frantically throwing in my mental health toolbox finally got plugged in and turned on and now they work the way they're supposed to.⠀

Nothing about this time makes sense. Everything my past experience has taught me says that I should be dragging and / or feeling all the things and / or panicking.

Instead I feel like lightning is coursing through me. I feel energized and able to get things done without my usual rounds of second-guessing. In this moment, I feel happy, energetic, and stable. Which is not what I would expect from global pandemic energy.

It doesn't make sense, but I don't need it to make sense. If it lasts, I will be thrilled. If it doesn't, I know that Feeling Peaceful For Five Whole Days In a Row is something that exists in this world.⠀

Or maybe this is something else. Maybe this is ascension. Maybe 5D is already here. Maybe this isn’t what we believe it to be. Or maybe I’ve just used up all my anxiety and fear for one life time already and so now I get a break.

Honestly, I don’t know. My job right now seems to be to stay in the moment, roll with and enjoy what is, and let things unfold.

If anyone else is having a similar experience right now, I'd love to hear about it.⠀

If this is not anywhere close to your experience, I will just say that this is available to all of us. I know that for sure, even if I don't know what your personal route might be.

But you know how to get there. Even if you don't yet know that you know.⠀

xo - Amber

Wait, what is this feeling?

Time to Slow

It’s blissfully quiet - no cars rumbling down the road, no planes blasting over head. The only sound is the kitties chewing their breakfast kibble.

It feels like the world needs a rest. I saw pictures of the Venice canals - the water was running clear, and the fish and the swans were returning. When the factories in China shut down, the air cleared for the first time in decades.

There’s something that feels very important about this time - a slowing down, a drastic shift in everyday life, something deeply supportive for us as a people and for the planet.

Why Quitting Is a Great Idea

I am terrible at quitting things. 

Actually, I’m amazing at quitting things. I’m just not great at continuing to quit things. I’ll quit sugar and then decide a week later that a salted chocolate chip cookie is a brilliant idea. (Because it is.) I’ll quit coffee and decide an hour later that the world needs me caffeinated. (Because it does.)

I’ve needed to quit channeling and energy healing for over a year.⠀

I love channeling. But all arrows have been pointing to STOP since last March - but I was in my NO CHANNELING IS MY THING denial phase for all of 2019.⠀

It IS my thing. Channeling will always be my thing. But doing the channeling and energy healing for other people was killing my health and my energy.⠀

So I quit. I quit doing the thing that drains me, the thing that closes off my life, rather than opens it up.⠀

Because I want to feel good. I want to have energy for things like writing books and having friends. I want to do all the things that make me happy, like going to dance class, exploring this beautiful state and world I’m lucky enough to live in, learning new things, smelling the goddamn rosemary.⠀

Quitting the thing you know you need to quit makes space for other things, things that feel better.⠀

Channeling can be just another tool in my arsenal, a bonus for people I work with - like, hey, Joan of Arc is here for you! - rather than the main event. Thank god.

I'm making life simple for awhile. I'm going to do sessions with writers ( because working with witchy authors to help them do the goddamn thing is my jam) and with sensitive humans (because helping people feel better is my joy) - and trust that it’s enough. If you want to schedule a session with me, I'd love to help.⠀

We're allowed to quit. To have a life that feels fun, that feels good, that doesn’t drain the very marrow of our soul - and we get to do that in any way we goddamn please.

Sometimes that means leaving something behind, even something you thought you would do or be or have or love forever.⠀

But it always, always opens the door for something better.

Like clinging to an octopus for no discernible reason.

Soften

My internal message this morning was “soften.”

I am such a tense little pigeon. I clench and tighten and stop breathing without even noticing that I’m cutting off my flow of air. Trust me, when you clench off your flow of air, you’re cutting off all your flow - the flow of love, the flow of money, the flow of inspiration, the flow of healing, the flow of divinity trying to make it into this human body of mine.

In the midst of living my life, I’m doing my best to catch myself when I tense and tighten up. Soften into this life. Feel safe in this body, in this place. Feel safe in all the circumstances and events and thoughts and feelings of my Amber existence.

Softening actually makes for a pretty good day. When I soften, I become more aware of the air around me - the bright sky above, the trees flashing past the window of my car, how lucky I am to have money for a sandwich I can eat in the sun and a coffee I can drink in my favorite writing spot.

Softening allows gratitude to show up easily - something that I tend to struggle with. Softening allows my thoughts to quiet. Softening allows my lungs to take in more than ten percent of their capacity. Softening helps me feel like every step I take is worth something, rather than spinning my wheels fruitlessly.

The first part of this year has really been about devoting myself to the small daily habits that support my health, evolution, and work. Alternating walking and yoga-ing so my body doesn’t petrify on the couch. Turning on the writing faucet every day so that if anything wants to come through me, it has a chance. Channeling for myself every morning, because I’m great at channeling for everyone else and not so good at channeling for myself. But spending five minutes each morning receiving messages for myself has skipped that evolution forward massively.

I’m rebuilding my foundations, after a year of shifting and redrawing boundaries and wondering what on god’s green earth I was doing with my life. I still don’t know what I’m doing with my life, to be clear. But I do know that I can get up every morning and take a walk and write some words and check in with my guides and share what I’m led to share and heal for anyone who wants it - and maybe that’s all I need to know about my life right now.