Why Do People Judge?

I once sat with a friend in her living room as she talked about another friend, the proud owner of a fancy new car. Her phrasing was judgmental - but buried beneath it was a yearning, an "I want this." In that moment, I knew she was being judgmental to cover up envy, a desire for something she didn't think she could have.

Years later, I saw a picture of her standing proudly in front of the very car she'd been judging that day in her living room.

I never looked at judgment the same way again.

Why Do We Judge Others?

As with anything relating to human emotions, judgment is deeply nuanced. But here are a few of the main reasons humans judge other humans:

They have something we want, something we don’t think we can have.

The second part is the key here. If someone has something we want, but know we can have, we might be more inspired to go get that desired thing. But if someone has something we don’t think we can have (or are capable of) (or are allowed), judgment will set in to protect us from that deep yearning.

They’re demonstrating an attribute that we don’t like, something that exists somewhere within us.

We often judge people who are reflecting back to us some part of us that we hate, whether consciously or not. Whether it’s something that we’ve been to therapy for, or it’s a small, deeply rooted kernel within our beings, if someone is displaying something that echoes what we don’t like about ourselves, the tendency is to go in hot with judgement.

They’re doing something that’s not okay.

Yeah, we’re going to judge people who cut us off in traffic or otherwise endanger themselves and others. We’re going to judge people who are cruel to kids or animals. We’re going to judge those terrible shenanigans people can get up to, especially when they negatively impact others. Our wiser selves may pipe up with some information about what may be going on internally with those people, but in this instance I say go ahead and judge. I feel good about judging truly shady people (after a full investigation of said shadiness) and if I’m ever being shady, you should go right ahead and judge me.

Why am I being judged?

Chances are really good that - unless you’re up to some truly shady nonsense - the judgment is all about them and not at all about you. (See the above.)

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One of the best places to practice discernment with your own judgement is in the comments of social media posts. Yeah, I said it.

Maybe the Dalai Lama can get on the internet with zero judgment… maybe. I bet even Mother Theresa cursed out Twitter a few times. They just didn’t add their fuel to the fire. They breathed, noticed what was happening, allowed the feeling to move through them as sensation, and then went about their day being lights upon the world.

My personal opinion about the internet is that it feels like a safe place for people to unleash their unprocessed anger and fear and judgment - so many of them do. Maybe it’s so they don’t unleash all their unhealed wounds on their family instead (and maybe not), but humanity tends to use the internet - and the people who post on it - as an emotional dumping ground.

How Do I avoid Dumping my unprocessed emotions in someone else’s lap, on the internet or otherwise?

What a great question, thank you for asking!

Notice what triggers you to judge - or to any big feeling. Especially things that make you start drafting irate comments.

Now take a step back and ask what’s really going on.

“Am I judging because deep down I want what they have, but I haven’t allowed myself to believe I can have it or that it’s okay to have it?”

If no, dig a little deeper: “Do I want that, but am only just realizing that I want it?”

If yes to any of these, congratulations! You now get to choose if you’re going to take your judgement to the comments (and thereby delay getting the thing they have that you want) or if you’re going to take this fresh new information about yourself and move forward with it.

“Am I triggered because I do this?” “Am I having this big reaction because it tugs at something I don’t like about myself?” “Am I judging because this is reflecting something I really hate about myself?”

If yes to any of these, congratulations! You now get to do your utmost to offer yourself love, forgiveness, and grace.

If your reaction is “I’m judging because that isn’t okay!”

First ask yourself “Is it really not okay?” Like, are we talking abuse of a living thing or are we talking about something kinda annoying or that you don’t personally agree with? Or are they reflecting something that has been an issue for you in the past and you’re angry that you were judged for it?

If it’s just something annoying or that you don’t personally agree with, you get to choose how you spend your time. Do you want to try to change someone’s mind on the internet or do you want to practice your empathy by trying to put yourself in their shoes? Or do you want to just go back to being a light on the world?

If it’s really not okay, you get to choose how to spend your energy. Do you want to yell about it on the internet or find some way to use your power to change it?

None of these answers or responses are wrong by the way. You get to choose how you spend your time and your internet comments - and the block button exists for a reason. If the internet is your therapy, go at it.

Just keep in mind that where you’re being unkind to others is also where you’re being unkind to yourself - and you, like everyone else, deserve a lot of kindness.

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Judgment is a totally valid human response. I’m not here to judge your judgment. I judge, you judge, we all judge. We are human beings and being judge-y is one of our many gifts. It kept - and keeps - us alive.

That said, we also need discernment. Discernment to understand what’s really going on within us. Because the more we can dig a bit deeper to understand our feelings and what’s triggering them, the better chance we have to release or heal or process them. And then move on to a better, happier phase of life.

Transmuting our emotions is a superpower like no other.

Love, Amber

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If this landed with you, and you’d like to hear more from me, hop on my email list.

If you want or need help ransmuting big emotions or giving yourself more kindness, that’s one of the things I do with lovely people like you.

What To Do When You Go Viral

1. Regulate your nervous system.

Your adrenaline will spike, so take good care of yourself.

Take a walk, stretch, get a hug, lie on the living room floor until you feel better.

When something like this happens, it activates our fight / flight / freeze / fawn nervous system response. You might want to take down every troll in the comments (fight). You might want to run away from the internet forever (flight). You might crawl into bed and not move for hours (freeze). You might try to pacify everyone who shows up (fawn). You might do all of them in quick succession.

Calming the nervous system is one of the most powerful things we can learn for ourselves - and it’s essential when something you put online goes viral and people start attacking you or having a lot of opinions about you out of the clear blue sky.

Some of my favorite ways to regulate the nervous system are:

1. Get out in nature

2. Move your body - take a walk, do some yoga, hit the gym, go for a run, dance like an unhinged muppet to your favorite song

3. Get into water (shower, bath, pool)

4. Do somatic or nervous system regulating stretches (google to find some ideas)

5. Breathe - in for 6, hold, out for 8 (or whatever feels right)

6. Eat something nourishing

7. Get a hug

There are also some energetic tips in the video at the bottom of this post.

2. Remember that other people's opinions are about them not you.

Full stop, end of story.

Remember that people are viewing you through their own lens, the way they see and understand the world.

If someone calls you a liar, it’s because they’ve been lied to (or are a liar themselves). If someone denies your experience, it’s because they haven’t experienced it for themselves and don’t have the perspective or empathy needed to put themselves in your shoes. If they say “That never happened!” it’s because their life may be so lacking in interest and magic that they don’t believe it’s possible for anyone else. If they call you names, it’s because they’ve been called names and are lashing out.

For some people, being a troll on the internet is the only outlet they have, for their trauma, their rage, their unhappiness. Not that it makes it okay, but it’s helpful to remember that it’s them, not you.

Happy people don’t troll.

3. Decide how you want to respond.

Decide how you want to respond. You get to respond however feels right to you. You can respond to everyone, you can respond to no one, you can block to your heart's content.

I’ll say it again: Do whatever feels right to you.

If you decide to respond, the more you can respond from a place of regulation (take care of that nervous system!) and a place of compassion and desire to understand, the better things will go.

If you don’t want to do all that emotional labor, you don’t have to respond at all.

Remember that the block button exists and you are allowed to block in whatever manner you please. (I block anyone who is mean or feels off.)

(My personal opinion is that the internet trash fire is a reflection of people's trauma, so when we can approach people with kindness and a desire to see and hear them, things often resolve. Unless they're straight trolls. In which case, hello handy block button!)

4. Remember that you’re worthy.

You’re worthy of being seen, being heard, having an opinion, and taking up space on this planet. You don’t have to earn anyone’s respect.

No matter what gets said on the internet, you’re a good person, a worthy human, and you are loved.

Do whatever you need to do to remember that.

5. Viral posts are a flash in the pan.

It may seem endless in the moment, but it will die down and you can go on about your life.

I hope this has been helpful as you navigate the wilds of the internet’s attention!

Sending you lots of love,

Amber

P.S. Want to read my story about going viral for the first time?

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This video includes some energetic ways to help you clear your energy from the massive push that is internet attention, so listen to the end if you'd like those tips.

If you've experienced this and want to share something you've learned, leave a comment for anyone else who happens to find this post!

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Feeling overwhelmed? need some emotional and energetic support?

As an intuitive and energy healer (with a bit of experience in the realm of The Internet Has a Lot of Opinions About Me Right Now), I’d love to help you regulate your nervous system, receive whatever messages, guidance or wisdom this experience has for you, and help you move forward in a way that feels really good.

We can turn an influx of internet trolls into spiritual and evolutionary gold, my friends.

Why Am I Emotional?

Do you ever feel super emo for no discernible reason?

ME TOO.

I recently had to cry like a toddler whose lollipop was taken away and then get wrapped up like a burrito on the couch to chill me out. I’m fine now (thanks for asking) but my scheduled CEO Monday was less power-suited-whirl-o-motion and more human-burrito-and-snacks.

If this is you too, today or any day … fist bump, friend.

Four Reasons You Might Be Feeling Emotional

1. Human Design

One of the aspects of human design is the emotional center. Your emotional center is either open or closed. (To find out which applies to you, google ‘human design chart’ and enter your birth date and time.)

If your emotional center is open, you have a tendency to take on the emotions of others. You’ll pick up on the emotions being felt around you and feel like those feelings are your own.

(I have an open emotional center and so sometimes when I’m feeling something big … it’s not even mine. So if I do a little clearing or get away from the person who’s having the feelings, boom. So much better.)

Learning to stop taking on other people’s emotions could change your life.

2. The Moon

When in doubt, blame the moon.

The moon changes signs every few days. When the moon is in a fire sign, you’ll have a lot of energy to get things done. When the moon is in an air sign, you may feel a little ungrounded and extra chatty. When the moon is in an earth sign, your focus will be better, especially if you take plenty of breaks.

When the moon is in a water sign, you may feel more emotional. You may also want to rest more.

(I use an app called iLuna to figure out where the moon is on any given day.)

3. Parasites

While a bit gross, learning about parasites was such an epic game changer for me that I would be remiss if I didn’t include it. A lot of people have parasites. It’s a fun little aspect of gut health that I never really thought about until I needed to heal it. Parasites can be picked up in sushi, from pets or pork.

Parasites will eat your soul. Or at least all the happy chemicals that make life worth living.

Fun fact: Parasites are more active around the new moon and the full moon so if you find yourself full of angst for no particular reason at those times, it’s probably worth getting your gut checked.

If it’s determined you have parasites, there are supplements that can help you clean them out. It may be the best thing you ever do for your mood.

4. Sometimes we just feel things.

And that’s okay.

Feeling your feelings as physical sensations without getting all tangled up in the story will help your feelings move up and out.

Meeting the feelings like a friend and giving them some compassion and acceptance is often all they want from us.

xo - Amber

If you’d like more tools to help you feel better, I have something for you!

The Staggering and Long-Winded Mental Aftermath of Unfollowing Friends on Social Media

At the height of my “I desperately want a baby but don’t see how that can happen” panic a few years back, I unfollowed all my friends with children on instagram. 

Announce your pregnancy? Immediate triggered unfollow! 

Show your adorable children doing adorable things? Immediate triggered unfollow! 

It was the social media equivalent of a tantrum in the grocery store and NOW I’M TOO EMBARRASSED TO RE-FOLLOW MY FRIENDS.

There’s a lot to unpack here, my doves.

My first thought as I started thinking about this, rather than letting my brain skitter away like usual, was “These are not the actions of a mature adult.” 

It’s been years since this happened, these are actual real-life friends, and I’ve just been letting it ride. Letting my mind jump merrily away to something else rather than confront it.

Honestly, I hoped to just have kids and then accidentally delete my account and start over. Yes, that was a real plan.

My second thought: “Be kinder to yourself.” 

It was the right thing for me to do at the time. I would get on Instagram and start sobbing big ugly cry tears. Removing the triggers felt like the only real option in that moment. (I guess the mute button wasn’t around yet? Or I just didn’t know it existed?) (I’ve officially hit Grandma Wants Her Typewriter Back levels of technical savvy over here.) 

My third thought: “Why is this still a thing?”

It became a splinter that moved in and set up house. It didn’t hurt much, but it would jab me every so often. 

It’s probably because this whole issue is a splinter in my soul and I genuinely don’t know what to do about it. 42 isn’t too late for kids, but it’s too late to not be chasing it down with every fiber of my being, a being that’s still concerned about things like paying bills and social media and committed relationships, things I genuinely did not expect to still be an issue into my forties. Hitting your midlife crisis at the same time as (the ninth iteration of ) your I Really Want To Have Kids crisis is inconvenient.

Since I don’t know what to do about the bigger issue (kids), but I do know what to do about the smaller issue (social media), here’s my plan:

Talk about it (hi!), because expressing things is how I move through them, and I haven’t done nearly enough of that in the past few years and it’s definitely affected my general wellbeing and mental health. 

Re-follow my friends. Sure, I may trigger again when confronted with evidence of Family Life, but I am so much better at handling triggers than I was a few years ago. (Not, like, great. But better. Definitely better!) 

The small child in me worries that they’ll be hurt or mad. The grownup in me recognizes that this is not an issue in anyone’s life but mine.  My friends are kind and well-adjusted people who, if they give it any thought at all, will think something along the lines of “I totally get it. You do what you need to do. My loud children will be here whenever you’re ready.” 

I am proud to announce that my reaction to the most recent round of Beautiful New Facebook Babies has triggered more “I can share your obvious joy” than “My fingers are now big and green because I am the Unfollow Hulk.”

Which feels like progress. Good progress, because there’s also a lot to unpack here energetically.

When we react negatively to someone else having what we want, we hold that very thing away from ourselves. When we’re in the sheer cyclone of joy that “this thing that I want exists in the world and someone I love has it”, we’re summoning that thing like we have a wand from Ollivander’s and a solid understanding of the Accio charm. I’m not saying I don’t have kids because I unfollowed some of my favorite humans on social media once and then didn’t know what to do about it after, but it probably didn’t help. 

And that’s okay. We can always clean up our energy and our actions and re-follow and express and be embarrassed and then stop. We can always step back into expecting our desires to show up like we graduated from Hogwarts with honors.

Taking a Stick of Dynamite to Sad Island

Is there a Facebook group for women who want kids but whose partners are terrified-slash-ambivalent-slash-negative about the prospect of small humans? Because I can’t keep breaking up with people over this. But my friends mostly have kids or don't want kids, I end up feeling like I’m on my own sad island and I’ve had about enough of Sad Island for one lifetime.

I used to talk more about being sad. It felt important to be transparent about my feeling status, especially on social media, that bastion of Best Face Forward and My Autumn Decor Is Prettier Than Yours. But then I felt like I was just marinating in misery and it was all I talked about and who wants to be an instagram downer? So I stopped. But then my entire life stopped too. Because if I’m not expressing myself, I’m not happy, and if I’m not happy the mechanics of my existence grind to a halt.

So I’ll cry over baby pictures on Facebook and contemplate blowing up my entire life - again - over this issue and then ultimately decide that’s a terrible idea and go back to whatever I was doing, probably eating grapes or contemplating the nature of cats.

Even though my 42-year-old biological clock wants to set the world on fire over this issue, the rest of me just wants to relax about the whole baby thing. Yeah, I want one. Yeah, I cry when I see pregnant women. But also, I really like free time. I really like my boyfriend. Maybe I can just let life take its course without having to strong-arm it into doing what I want. Maybe I can just focus on other things that make me happy. Like finishing a novel, and contemplating the nature of cats.