Sensitive Superwoman

My boyfriend finds me sobbing on the couch a lot these days. I need to make a sign that says “MAGIC IN PROGRESS” to put over my face when that happens so he can stop worrying.

Sometimes you have to go deep into the breakdown to get to the magic on the other side.

Because I forget this always, here’s how a lot of my life has gone lately:

I’ll need to cry, I’ll avoid crying. I’ll get all locked up and frustrated and everything in life will slam to a halt and I won’t know why so I’ll get more frustrated and the locks will turn to cement. I’ll finally break down into the serious ugly cry - and a few hours later get a fresh influx of energy, inspiration, and joy.

No matter how many times this happens to me, I’ll insist on forgetting, insist on Not Needing To Feel Things, insist that my sensitivity has gotten better, and then my whole life will turn into an escalator that’s just stairs because the electricity is out. As we all know, that’s super annoying. Who wants to climb stairs when you’re supposed to get a sweet ride to the top?

My sensitivity is my super power. When I let the feels out, the electricity turns back on and everything starts working again. When I insist on ignoring it, life gets real aggravating.

Moral of the story: When life stops and looks at you with exasperation, feel whatever’s clawing at your chest and trying to get out. It helps.

Demanding Spirit Children

One of the things I do is talk to people who aren't exactly on this plane. Like my dad, teachers who died thousands of years ago, and friends' dogs. (Sometimes the dogs are still on this plane, but they don't speak English.)

One of the people I talk to occasionally is my daughter.

Yesterday, she said "Faster."

My daughter isn't even conceived yet and she's already demanding. That better not be what she says to me when I'm making her a smoothie or we'll be having a discussion.

Now, most adults with their feet firmly planted in reality would say that I don't have any business having a baby right now, for a variety of reasons. Many of those reasons I agree with, at least when I'm pretending to be an adult with firmly-planted reality feet.

But if we all stuck to what we think is possible, realistic, and responsible - what society has trained us to do and believe - nobody would ever get anything done, whether extraordinary or magically ordinary.

Maybe if we focus on what we really want, life rearranges around us to support it.

Just because we’ve been trained to belief that things must be done a certain way doesn’t mean there isn’t a whole universe of expansive possibilities, new ways to get what we really want, what would make our souls happy.

It’s not that I could never be happy without biological children. Life without children is great. Free time, travel, sleep, reading a novel cover to cover, parties with friends without securing a babysitter.

But I know that if I don’t at least try, no matter what the circumstances of my life, I will never forgive myself. I need to go after this desire as best I can and surrender the ultimate outcome to god/universe/flying spaghetti monster/whoever is up there. And trust that by devoting myself to this, my life will rearrange to support it in surprising ways.

All I know is that I can’t keep putting up barriers around what I really want. Because there is always a way. There’s always a way to have what you truly want, even if it doesn’t look the way you planned.

Hanging out with somebody else’s daughter.

On Waking Up at 4 in the Morning

Every morning I wake up at 4 a.m., which is terrible and has to stop.

Because I’m me, I googled what Chinese medicine had to say about waking up at such an aggravating hour.

Chinese medicine says that waking up at 4 a.m. is terrible and has to stop.

But it also says that waking up between 3 and 5 in the morning is often due to an imbalance in the lungs, which is related to feelings of grief and sadness that haven’t been dealt with.

Grief was my number one feeling state in my thirties and I was hoping my forties would bring the prevalence of a different emotion, preferably joy or satisfaction, but I would honestly take any other emotion. Anger. Annoyance. Ennui.

Suggestions include breathing exercises, meditation or yoga to improve lung capacity, counseling to deal with your grief, and journaling about your emotions before bed each night.

None of those things sound appealing, probably because I’m suppressing a lot of grief. But I also want to get enough sleep to be able to function like a normal human.

I didn’t know organs could get exhausted, but it seems they do. My poor lungs are so tired. I just want to feed my lungs chicken soup and put them down for a nap.

Moral of the story: Our bodies have a deep wisdom and will give us guidance, if we're willing to listen.

So I either need to deal with my grief or resign myself to being exhausted and cranky for all time.

Work To Do

Nothing like a global pandemic, human hooliganism, and rampant uncertainty to make you feel powerless. While also reminding us that all we can ever do is pay attention to this moment, and do our best to positively effect moments to come.

Questions I keep asking myself:

1. How can I take care of myself in this moment?

2. How can I help today?

This is what we can do now: Take some small action to either help ourselves or help others, while remembering that helping yourself helps others and helping others helps you. (Well-played, universe!)

Big change wants to happen. Big change in the world and big change for each of us individually.

I’ve been feeling the big change breathing down my neck for years - especially around the summer solstice. For some reason late June is always when I take a good hard look at my life - and occasionally blow something sky high.

Right now, it feels like everything in my life is up for grabs. Where I live, who I spend my time with, what my life will look like from here. It’s unsettling, but it also forces me to do my work. Spend time really checking in to see where my soul wants me to go from here, heal anything left unresolved so the same patterns don’t keep repeating, take care of my health - mental, physical, emotional, and energetic - so I have the ability and strength to do whatever needs to be done.

I have a lot of work to do. The world has a lot of work to do.

It can be hard to do that kind of work when we’re all so tired. So self-care has become more important than ever, just when it feels the least possible or the most selfish. But that is when devoted self-care becomes imperative. Resting, taking time for yourself, time to do whatever nurtures you and makes you happy. This is on longer optional. Because 2020 is not letting up and we need to meet it as best we can from a space of being filled to the brim, not depleted AF.

We need to trust ourselves and trust the course of our lives. Which, again, feels like one of the hardest things to do, especially now.

So this is my new mantra, one that I may need to tattoo on my forearm so I don’t keep forgetting:

Things To Remember:

Breakdowns are not to be feared. Today’s breakdown leads to tomorrow’s epic productivity and general satisfaction.

(Here’s looking at you, Wednesday morning.)

I’m allowed to do things that feel good and stop doing things that don’t.

(Like Facebook. Why am I still doing something that? My god, why?)

Read books on paper.

(It feels so much better. Like an actual, physical sensation of betterness. Kindle is great for $3 romance novels but the experience of reading on my phone is like the difference between reading Facebook and talking to a good friend in person.)

Eat some goddamn vegetables, Amber.

(You have energy when you do that, and energy is something you greatly enjoy.)

Don’t be lazy about exercise.

(I know it’s tempting but don’t.)

Water helps everything.

(When in doubt, drink some, shower in some, sit in some, go to the beach and listen to some.)

Pause and appreciate what you have as often as you can.

(Petting the cats, drinking the coffee, listening to the fountain, basking in the sun, staring at the oak trees, reading next to the man. Notice it, appreciate it, be in it.)