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Because Even When Adults Get Christmas Lists They're Usually Painfully Unimaginative


1. Pet giraffe, with a selection of tasteful bow ties. 2. Fireplace

3. The ability to say precisely the right thing to 1) friends who have just had a baby 2) friends who are having a hard time 3) people who annoy me.

3 a. A three story tall fire-breathing dragon to toast people who annoy me. Bonus: Picking up my car in its talons to fly me through traffic jams.

4. Baby hedgehog

5. Cashmere knit hat

6. Mini pig

7. Tiny red sneakers for the mini pig

8. Jars for my brain. One for next to my computer - the lid will muffle judgment while I'm working. And one for next to my bed - so I can sleep free of its relentless anxiety production. Perhaps such jars are available on Etsy.

9. Tiny house on the Venice Canal. (What? This has got to be at least as possible as the pet giraffe.)

9 a. Backyard treehouse, accessible only by rope ladder and rhyming couplet password. Equipped with hot chocolate and firecrackers.

10. Baller editor for everything I ever write.

11. Vitamix

12. The ability to choose a thing and make it happen, rather than spinning endlessly on the world's possibilities.

13. A bacon breakfast sandwich.


Yes, I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet. FINE, CHRISTMAS. YOU WIN.