I once sat with a friend in her living room as she talked about another friend, the proud owner of a fancy new car. Her phrasing was judgmental - but buried beneath it was a yearning, an "I want this." In that moment, I knew she was being judgmental to cover up envy, a desire for something she didn't think she could have.
Years later, I saw a picture of her standing proudly in front of the very car she'd been judging that day in her living room.
I never looked at judgment the same way again.
Why Do We Judge Others?
As with anything relating to human emotions, judgment is deeply nuanced. But here are a few of the main reasons humans judge other humans:
They have something we want, something we don’t think we can have.
The second part is the key here. If someone has something we want, but know we can have, we might be more inspired to go get that desired thing. But if someone has something we don’t think we can have (or are capable of) (or are allowed), judgment will set in to protect us from that deep yearning.
They’re demonstrating an attribute that we don’t like, something that exists somewhere within us.
We often judge people who are reflecting back to us some part of us that we hate, whether consciously or not. Whether it’s something that we’ve been to therapy for, or it’s a small, deeply rooted kernel within our beings, if someone is displaying something that echoes what we don’t like about ourselves, the tendency is to go in hot with judgement.
They’re doing something that’s not okay.
Yeah, we’re going to judge people who cut us off in traffic or otherwise endanger themselves and others. We’re going to judge people who are cruel to kids or animals. We’re going to judge those terrible shenanigans people can get up to, especially when they negatively impact others. Our wiser selves may pipe up with some information about what may be going on internally with those people, but in this instance I say go ahead and judge. I feel good about judging truly shady people (after a full investigation of said shadiness) and if I’m ever being shady, you should go right ahead and judge me.
Why am I being judged?
Chances are really good that - unless you’re up to some truly shady nonsense - the judgment is all about them and not at all about you. (See the above.)
—
One of the best places to practice discernment with your own judgement is in the comments of social media posts. Yeah, I said it.
Maybe the Dalai Lama can get on the internet with zero judgment… maybe. I bet even Mother Theresa cursed out Twitter a few times. They just didn’t add their fuel to the fire. They breathed, noticed what was happening, allowed the feeling to move through them as sensation, and then went about their day being lights upon the world.
My personal opinion about the internet is that it feels like a safe place for people to unleash their unprocessed anger and fear and judgment - so many of them do. Maybe it’s so they don’t unleash all their unhealed wounds on their family instead (and maybe not), but humanity tends to use the internet - and the people who post on it - as an emotional dumping ground.
How Do I avoid Dumping my unprocessed emotions in someone else’s lap, on the internet or otherwise?
What a great question, thank you for asking!
Notice what triggers you to judge - or to any big feeling. Especially things that make you start drafting irate comments.
Now take a step back and ask what’s really going on.
“Am I judging because deep down I want what they have, but I haven’t allowed myself to believe I can have it or that it’s okay to have it?”
If no, dig a little deeper: “Do I want that, but am only just realizing that I want it?”
If yes to any of these, congratulations! You now get to choose if you’re going to take your judgement to the comments (and thereby delay getting the thing they have that you want) or if you’re going to take this fresh new information about yourself and move forward with it.
“Am I triggered because I do this?” “Am I having this big reaction because it tugs at something I don’t like about myself?” “Am I judging because this is reflecting something I really hate about myself?”
If yes to any of these, congratulations! You now get to do your utmost to offer yourself love, forgiveness, and grace.
If your reaction is “I’m judging because that isn’t okay!”
First ask yourself “Is it really not okay?” Like, are we talking abuse of a living thing or are we talking about something kinda annoying or that you don’t personally agree with? Or are they reflecting something that has been an issue for you in the past and you’re angry that you were judged for it?
If it’s just something annoying or that you don’t personally agree with, you get to choose how you spend your time. Do you want to try to change someone’s mind on the internet or do you want to practice your empathy by trying to put yourself in their shoes? Or do you want to just go back to being a light on the world?
If it’s really not okay, you get to choose how to spend your energy. Do you want to yell about it on the internet or find some way to use your power to change it?
None of these answers or responses are wrong by the way. You get to choose how you spend your time and your internet comments - and the block button exists for a reason. If the internet is your therapy, go at it.
Just keep in mind that where you’re being unkind to others is also where you’re being unkind to yourself - and you, like everyone else, deserve a lot of kindness.
—
Judgment is a totally valid human response. I’m not here to judge your judgment. I judge, you judge, we all judge. We are human beings and being judge-y is one of our many gifts. It kept - and keeps - us alive.
That said, we also need discernment. Discernment to understand what’s really going on within us. Because the more we can dig a bit deeper to understand our feelings and what’s triggering them, the better chance we have to release or heal or process them. And then move on to a better, happier phase of life.
Transmuting our emotions is a superpower like no other.
Love, Amber
—
If this landed with you, and you’d like to hear more from me, hop on my email list.
If you want or need help ransmuting big emotions or giving yourself more kindness, that’s one of the things I do with lovely people like you.
