Inhabiting my body and my life and my relationships is one of the hardest things for me. It doesn’t feel safe. Though of course, being fully in the body is the safest place for us. But try telling that to my gun-shy soul.
I joke that I was lured back down into the world and a human body with the promise of sex and donuts.
Now that I’m here and know that sugar makes me crazy (meaning donuts = bad idea) (let’s not even get into the marathon of terrible that sex was through most of my twenties) , I realize that I should’ve read the fine print.
Last night I was at an acupuncture appointment with one of my favorite healers. She was asking me about my relationship - and she completely lost my pulse as I answered. It was like I just dropped straight out of my body. Like the rug was pulled out from under me - which is how I feel in most of my relationships, romantic or not.
Being fully in my relationship is - apparently - a really rich place of exploration for me. It also feels like boarding a ship to sail for the horizon when everyone still believed the world was flat.
In a miracle of eastern medicine, she stuck needles into me in the places that would help my body feel like a safe place for my soul to land. Which is quite a good trick, considering that my soul was not even a little bit interested in another human life and life’s few redeeming aspects have proved problematic.
Even though I don’t want to be here most of the time, I love this world and I love the people in it. And when I can rise enough out of my own nonsense, I love my own life. My life has sunshine and beaches and cats and coffee and writing words and a boyfriend who’s an excellent cook.
So my other place of exploration/trying-not-to-fall-off-the-edge is being so at home in myself and my body and my energy that I can embody that love rather than all the fear. (So much fear, my god.)
It becomes a daily practice of doing everything I know to do to stay in my own center rather than being buffeted around by the world and the people and all the feelings. This is why I harp on about light all the time. Using my imagination to sling light through my life is one of the best ways to help myself feel better.
Honestly, I don’t really know what it looks like to fully inhabit my body and relationships and life. I just have to trust myself and my guidance and keep moving in the direction that feels good. That’s all we can ever do.